Almost every author I've talked to has confessed that self-doubts and imposter syndrome is something they've gone through at least at some point in their career or something they go through with every new book. For some, it's almost debilitating, for others it's a temporary annoyance. 

Doubts come in all shapes and sizes and, over the years, I've learned how to deal with the majority of mine. That doesn't mean I don't still fight them on a regular basis or fall victim to their nagging sometimes, but for the most part, I've learned to recognize when those doubts are veering into curl-up-in-a-ball territory and gained the tools to steer them in a more positive direction. 

Several years ago when I was in the middle of revisions for Carousel Beach, I had a particularly nasty episode of why-did-I-think-I-could-do-this-itis (I even wrote a blog post about it for Writer's In The Storm). A dear friend told me to trust my gut. My gut hasn't always been the most trustworthy, so I was a bit (lot) skeptical. She pushed on, saying: "You didn't get where you are on accident. You know better than you think you do." 

Lately, I've been flopping around about what to write. My problem isn't one of ideas, I've got tons of those. My problem is not trusting that I can live up to those ideas. My problem is allowing the doubts to dictate my actions.

Earlier in the year, I completed a manuscript, revised, then started submitting it. I cleared off my desk and pulled out my ideas sheet. This is where I keep the "back cover copy" blurbs for the various story ideas. One idea in particular had been poking at me for some time. The tone of that story felt much different than my previous books and I thought it would be a nice change, a palette cleanser of sorts during a time when I really needed an escape. And I settled down to write.

I promptly feel in love with the characters and the story. Writing became fun. You know where this is going, right?

It was fun until rejections on the previous manuscript started popping in and shoved down my confidence like the bully self-doubt can be. Suddenly, I knew, just KNEW that the story I was now nurturing and loving wasn't going to have any more luck in the big bad world than the previous book baby.

I stopped writing. I picked up another work-in-progress. And stopped with that one, too. I switched to a different genre, and froze with that book as well. Every time a story started to come together, my uncooperative brain would poke at my decision. 

Yesterday, in a moment of despair-fueled decluttering, I came across a print of that graphic above with the wise words of my friend. This morning, with those words in my head, I revisited one of the projects I'd started noodling. Guess what? It's a good story and I can write it.

So I'm overruling my head and the self-doubts it keeps tossing at me like the acorns the squirrels were pelting me with on my walk earlier. For now, I'm going to trust my gut because, yeah, I didn't get here by accident.

2020 has, so far, been the year of more ups and downs that I can remember in a very long time. It's easy to rattle off all of the downs ... hello pandemic that pulled the rug out from under all of us, an insanely stressful political situation, wildfires and hurricanes, career turmoil, isolation ... I could keep going but then I'd have to crawl back into bed and hide for the rest of the day. 

That brings me to the point of this post. I'm not, by nature, a bubbly personality. I'm quick to worry about anything that could go wrong; to overthink and stew about things said (or not said) and how I reacted (or didn't); and to give in to the temptation of curling up on the couch and crocheting until the world stops spinning so fast and loud around me.

Lately, though, I've been trying to find positivity in even the negative situations. A few months ago, I put this sticky note on my desk lamp as a reminder. And, every day, I write down one thing that was positive, that made me happy, that reminded me there's good out there. 

Some days, I struggle to find that happy moment. Honestly, there have been a few "happy" entries that were clearly a reach ... "finishing the crochet donkey," "snuggling with a purring cat for half an hour," "not losing my composure today." But you know what, those aren't insignificant even if they felt ridiculous to write at the time. And when I stop overthinking and poking at the doubts, I can appreciate the positive in each of those statements.

​Turning the negative situation into a less-negative feels like an accomplishment. Turning a less-negative one into a positive is a major win! And each win fuels me to keep going. 

I'm a slow adopter when it comes to audio books. What can I say, I'm old fashioned and like imagining what the characters sound like. I've come across a few books where the narrators fit perfectly with my imagination, others where the narrator frustrated me.

​But I've also discovered the joy of crocheting while listening to an audio book and, especially over the last few months, have been thoroughly enjoying a steady stream of audio books. 

A recent listen that particularly engaged me was The Sun Is Also A Star by Nicola Yoon. I adored the choice of narrators and looked forward to the time I'd have with them each day. Like many audio books, there were times I wish I had the tree version so I could linger on a passage, but the experience of hearing this book was a treat.

From Goodreads:
Natasha: I’m a girl who believes in science and facts. Not fate. Not destiny. Or dreams that will never come true. I’m definitely not the kind of girl who meets a cute boy on a crowded New York City street and falls in love with him. Not when my family is twelve hours away from being deported to Jamaica. Falling in love with him won’t be my story.

Daniel: I’ve always been the good son, the good student, living up to my parents’ high expectations. Never the poet. Or the dreamer. But when I see her, I forget about all that. Something about Natasha makes me think that fate has something much more extraordinary in store—for both of us.

The Universe: Every moment in our lives has brought us to this single moment. A million futures lie before us. Which one will come true?